Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?

Tim: Not a bit!

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding.  Since traffic was heavy, so I got there late - just in time for the divorce.

When do you know you are in love?

Ans. When you start searching for the cheapest mobile plan

Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?

A: Napoleon bone-apart.

Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"

Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."

A blonde is working as a lifeguard at a swimming pool when a girl begins to drown, screaming "Lifesaver! Lifesaver!"

The blonde thinks for a moment, and then asks "Cherry or grape?"

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

One day Dan asks Bob, "So Bob what did you get me for Christmas?"

Then Bob says to Dan, "Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?"

Dan says, "OOOOH WOW!!!"

Bob says, "Ya, I got the same exact color tie for you!"